Hey pot, this is kettle. Yeah, you're black!

 All I really want, what I really really want (in my best Spice Girl voice), is a man that will cuddle with me when I want, sleep with me when I want, handle the fact that I am independent, have a career and have kids, be able to be completely emotionally available and just be here when I want him. Wow did I really just say that? That was a lot of "I wants." 

I could totally use the excuse of I've been treated crappy and I am just not putting up with anything anymore and it's time to make me happy. I know I'm a chic and I am supposed to be the damsel in distress and blame everything on the man; but, I have learned a lot about myself over the past year or few. Especially with this Covid crap leaving me so much time to think. Sure, I have had a bad past with men but I am no angel. I have given the "it's not you, it's me" speech. I have been guilty of telling someone "I just want to be alone." I even told one guy that I was on my period and moody when I had a hysterectomy several years ago. I rarely show my emotions yet I keep getting pissed when the guy doesn't show his. I have totally bailed on the last few guys I seriously dated. Dang, no wonder my friends tell me I'm the man in my relationships. 

So, what makes me different now? Growth and the ability to look myself in the mirror and no, not show finger guns and tell myself how great my butt looks, but to shake my head and call myself out. 

My dad loves my mom unconditionally. No matter how crazy she gets, how many unbearable stories of knowing the president, movie stars and having multiple successful careers when I only remember her working in fast food restaurants. And he always chose her. Now, she is in a nursing home and he is having trouble living without her. That is what I want. To love and be loved unconditionally. When he pisses me off because he hasn't mowed the grass, forgot about telling me he was going to be late, gets a little too unemotional. When I say something inappropriate because I have no clue how to handle my own emotions, or I am a little too needy because I am insecure, when I have nightmares and accidentally punch him in his sleep, or even when I get old and shit my pants. Ok, hopefully he never has to do that because I can't even let anyone hear me pee. 

I struggle with the question of "which is better". To love and one day have to watch them grow old and maybe pass away, then suffer from the loss. Or, be alone so you never have to deal with that. I choose to be happy with someone. So no, I don't want to be single. I want the best friend to go camping with, laugh at cheesy tv shows and to people watch with. Live and love loud now and deal with any pain of the future at that time. When have I ever been one to sit back and watch everyone else have all the fun anyway?





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